I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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