they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
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Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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