I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Walk of Shame today included voting.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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