you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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