I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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