hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
