Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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