Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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