Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
