Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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