Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I haven't been this sober since birth.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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