I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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