Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
