remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
