i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
