I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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