My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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