one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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