i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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