someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
