Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We were destined to go to rehab together
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
