You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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