you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
