My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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