omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize