Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
