She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
