Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
