So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
