I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
