just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
