I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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