With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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