I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
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