I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
