I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
