go do what you do best...puke behind churches
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
