I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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