Don't make out with my wife yet
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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