whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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