I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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