There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
