Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
