I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
