I wanna bring you to show and tell
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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