My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
