I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
