Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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