someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
