Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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