mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
