i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
