Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
