I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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