Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
