Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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