i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
