Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
