smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
