I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I AM VODKA MAN
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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